The Social Network

"How should I begin this? I'm just so offended." –SC

Have you ever found out something about a person that completely changed your perception of who they are? In this age of Facebook and Twitter, I feel like I'm learning a lot of information about a lot of different people and some of it, I'd rather not know. Sure, it's just Facebook. Sure, it's just Twitter. But it's really still you. Meeting the "Facebook version" of a person that you thought you might like could completely change your perception. I always say, if you have a celebrity that you admire, DON'T FOLLOW HIM OR HER ON TWITTER. You just might find out that person is an idiot. Look at Tyrese…

As far as I'm concerned, the same rules apply for romantic relationships. If you want to peak my interest, just tell me that you don't use FB and Twitter. I know it's hypocritical because I use it, but I love it when guys don't. Unfortunately, that's pretty rare so I've had to make some exceptions. One rule that I try not to break is NO DATES OR BOYFRIENDS on my social networks. I do it to protect myself, as well as, them. Who hasn't stalked a FB page and analyzed every comment wondering what it meant? It's human nature. When it comes to FB, that will be the only time I tell my man "no, I don't want to see yours and you don't need to see mine." It leads to nothing but problems.

I believe in expressing myself but I also think that every thought doesn't need to be shared with everyone, ESPECIALLY if it's someone you're dating. There's no tone, context, or inflection when it comes to tweeting. What one person might think is funny or harmless could be perceived by another as "thirst" or "desperation". When it comes to Social Networking, it doesn't matter what you MEANT. What matters, is how it comes across. A guy might think it's cute to tweet that reality star 10x a day, as if she'd ever acknowledge him, but the girl you're dating might beg to differ. #TheThirst is real and social networking brings this out of people for some reason.

No one wants the dude in the club that tries to holla at every chick. Well, guess what? No one wants the man that's on Twitter or Facebook hitting up every random chick that floats across his timeline or wall. If I did want you & I saw that, you can trust & believe that I wouldn't want you anymore. How can anyone take a person like that seriously? Who wants to be the girlfriend of the thirsty dude on Twitter?

You can't un-ring a bell and you can't take back a dumb Tweet or Facebook status after it's been seen. Regardless of how cute you are, if you tweet something out of bounds, you might not be able to come back from that. There are already so many things that can go wrong in a relationship… Why add Twitter and Facebook into the mix?

Flaws & All

Better a diamond with a flaw, than a pebble without. –Confucius

After my last major breakup in 2008, I started getting serious about dating. One of the first things that I did was make a list. I figured that since I make lists for everything else, why wouldn’t I make a list of what I was looking for in Mr. Right? I found the process of making a list to be fun, reflective, and informative. I saw it as placing an order with the universe for my own personal Prince Charming. I made “the list” about 4 years ago and have made modifications to it over time.

People give these lists a bad rap. The whole debacle from What Chili Wants didn’t help. For me, the list is just a starting point to help me remain focused in what I’m looking for. I’m always surprised when I talk to my girlfriends who are dating and hoping to find someone special but they don’t even have a list. How can you know when you’ve found it, if you don’t even know what it is?

When you don’t have focus, it’s easy to meet someone who may stimulate you in one area (read: lust) but could be lacking in other major components. The list is a black & white reminder of why something can or can’t work. The funny thing about it is, every now and then you may meet someone special that makes you re-evaluate your entire list. I did.

Would you rather have a dreamboat “on paper” who meets 100% of your list requirements but you don’t know where he stands, or a guy with a heart of gold who only meets 75% of your list but makes you feel like the center of his world? Everyone will answer this question differently, however if you’re meeting person after person and no one measures up, then perhaps you need to check your yardstick. A wise man said, “Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.” Choose wisely.

Viva la Vida

Whoever said that the way you go into the year, will determine the year you have is full of it. I think NYE 2010 was probably my saddest NYE to date yet 2011 has been the best year ever. I dated… A LOT, turned 30, got promoted, moved 3 times, and finally settled into my new city. As always, there has been some bitter with the sweet, but everything that I’ve let go of has made space for the people and things I have in my life right now. Atlanta has been good to me and I’m happy that I decided to call this city my new home.

For the longest, I expected that turning 30 would lead to some type of panic attack about all the things I haven’t done. I’m so happy that didn’t happen. Sure…there are still things (one thing in particular) I’d like to accomplish…but for that one thing that I haven’t done, there are so many things that I have. Instead of buying into all the myths about life for single women after 30, I’m embracing my age and the knowledge and wisdom that comes with it. I actually think I’m more fabulous now than ever. I know myself - my strengths and my weaknesses. I am fully confident in who I am. Confidence is sexy. What’s hotter than that? In addition to my fabulousity, I have lots of life experience and lessons learned that will prevent me from running around getting myself into all types of crazy predicaments like I did throughout my 20s. I know better, so now I can do better.

Time flies when you're having fun so I plan to live it up and take advantage of every single minute.

What about your friends?

"Friends....How many of us have them" -Whodini

Webster defines a friend as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Whodini’s definition of a friend is a little more grimy.

As I continue through my life, I’m learning that the label of “friend” can sometimes be a loaded word. In my personal world, I would say that there are 3 distinct types of people that may fall under the umbrella of the word friend at any given time. Those are associates, frenemies, and friends. Today I want to talk about Frenemies.

You’re probably asking why would anyone be “friends” with a frenemy? Well in my experience, frenemies never start out that way.

The first rule in the 48 Laws of Power is “Don’t outshine the master”. I don’t know what this looks like in male friendships but when it comes to SOME women, this is the gospel. It’s all good as long as you are both unhappy. It’s all good as long as you are both overweight. It’s all good as long as you both don’t have a man. It’s all good as long as neither of you gets a raise. The minute one person comes “up” without the other, the transition from friend to frenemy begins. The crazy thing is the come up doesn’t have to be real. It could be completely imagined or exaggerated in the other person’s mind.

Do you have any “friends” that you can call them if something bad happens and they seem almost happy to hear about it? You found out your man was cheating… yep, she has time to talk. You got fired…bam she is right there. Your plan failed….She can talk for hours. It’s good to have support during these times but what about the good times? Why is it that some people can talk to you all night about why all are men are dogs but when you finally find a good man they can’t be bothered to hear about it? Frenemy. Why is it that it’s all good when someone thinks you are beneath them but as soon as you “come up” they start to act differently? Frenemy.

I am happy to say that upon a lot of evaluation and discovery I have a lot less frenemies around than I’ve had in the past. They say people come in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Well the season for my “frenemies” has come and gone.

9 1/2 Months

I can’t believe it’s been nine months since I last blogged! I promise to do better going into the new year. There’s so much to say but instead of going back over the past nine months I’ll just pick up with where I am now. My adventures as a transplant….

Up Out my Face...Boy!

“The good guys screw you. The bad guys screw you. The rest of them don’t know how to screw you.” — Samantha Jones

Today I was chatting with my friend about my ill-fated romantic life as of late. She told me, “Don’t let a few losers knock you off the love boat.” I responded, “My love boat is more like the Titanic.” I think those might be the realest words I ever spoke. At what point does one sober up, learn their lessons and move on? Maybe love ain’t for everybody. I’m certainly beginning to think that love might not be for me.

I’ve. Tried. Them. All. The good guys. The bad guys. The cute guys. The ugly guys. The short guys. The tall guys. The marathon men. The minute men. I’ve tried all types of formulas in hopes of getting different results but it seems to fail every single time. Date the ones I’m attracted to. Date the opposite of what I’m attracted to. Date the ones that someone else picks for me. Date the ones that NO ONE would pick for me. No, no, no, and no. It’s always the same. They must issue them a handbook at graduation that tells them what to do. Well here’s my advice to the men that might have the misfortune of coming across this blog.

Don’t. Start. What. You. Can’t. Finish. If you don’t have time to call me everyday, then don’t start off calling me everyday. If you don’t have time to return text messages, then make that clear from the jump. Don’t start off one way, switch it up and think that no one will notice. I notice. We ALL notice. Consistency is key and without it, you will fail.

Just. Tell. Me. What. You. Want. Sure that sounds simple enough, but it’s very rare that it happens. Don’t say you want a relationship if you don’t. Don’t pretend to be trying to build something if you’re not. If you just wanna fuck, then JUST SAY THAT. You might be surprised because we might only want that too. If we don’t, then we will let you know so that you can move on to the next without wasting your time or ours.

Most importantly, if you don’t know what you want then STOP DATING until you figure it out.

I.Need.A.Break. Or maybe even a sabbatical.

Sticky Fingers

Dealing with co-workers can be….interesting. I have certainly had my share of weird, inappropriate, and overbearing co-workers. The people I work with at my current job have surpassed even the most offensive of my past co-workers. Let's talk about bad co-worker behavior for a moment.

Someone at my job has a problem with stealing… A bonafide kleptomaniac if you will. There have been a rash of petty thefts throughout the office. It started with my favorite personalized mug. The mug had a cartoon likeness of me carrying a Gucci bag just like mine. Underneath the pitcture, it had MY NAME on it. Well someone stole it.

I'm the only (insert my name here) in the office so why someone wants to be flossing around with a mug that has my name & picture on it is beyond me.

Next, one of my co-workers was warming some crab cakes in the toaster oven. She walked away. Came back. The crab cakes were GONE! The whole pan of them.

Lastly, someone broke into my cabinet and stole some of my Thin Mints. Girl Scout cookie rage is real and tangible… Just ask this lady from Florida. I'm not saying that violence is the answer but…I understand.

Initially I thought these thefts were passive-aggressive actions of someone trying to 'get at me' for whatever reason. Now, I'm beginning to think that I simply work in an office filled with people that have no sense of boundaries, tact, or couth. Professionalism in the workplace can go a long way and unfortunately my office is lacking in that. The thing is, I love my boss and most of the other people on my team but there are always certain bad apples that can spoil the bunch.

Jaded

jad·ed: made dull, apathetic, or cynical by experience or by surfeit

Dating is hard. Well, not the act of finding dates or going on them, but the act of actually finding the right person. The average girl has to kiss a lot of frogs before she finds her prince. The problem with these frogs is that you usually don't know they are a frog until it's too late. As a result, most women begin to utilize a series of boundaries or tests to try to weed these frogs out quickly. We operate under the motive that there is 'always something' and we have to find out what that 'something' is sooner rather than later.

The problem is, the whole goal of dating is to meet "that" person. The person that really is as good as he seems. The person that doesn't have anything to hide. Unfortunately, when you date for so long you can become jaded. Cynical. Doubting. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Always wondering what is it gonna be this time because it's always something.

Which brings me to him, let's call him Warner. He seems so good. Says all the right things. Cute, tall, funny, etc. etc. etc. Why can't I just accept this? Why do I always have to look for something? No one is that good right? No one could be that perfect… And if he is, why is he single? Believe me, I have concocted all types of crazy theories.

Only time can answer these questions. I like Warner so I hope he proves me wrong. Maybe the other shoe will never drop. Maybe he really is that good… Or maybe I'll be posting here in a few months with another example of why I'm so jaded.

Slow Motion

I am a woman of many talents and abilities but patience is definitely not a virtue of mine. I really hate waiting for anything. I want everything now. Matter of fact, I wanted it yesterday. My frantic pace of now now now usually works when I’m in control. It’s the situations that I don’t have any control over that bother me. It’s the things that only time can bring about and no one can do anything to hurry it along. The things in my life that feel like they are in slow motion.

I’m into instant gratification. If one thing isn’t available then I’m immediately on to the next thing. I mean…really, who has time to wait when there are so many other available options? And if you have the option that you want, why wait for anything else? What on earth would make someone choose to wait for anything if they don’t have to? How do you know if someone is worth waiting for? What if you do decide to wait and find out it wasn’t worth the wait at all? To quote Mr. Carter, what the hell are you waiting for?

Sometimes waiting seems like a big waste of time but supposedly anything worth having is worth waiting for. Well, if good things come to those who wait then I should have something really awesome coming because I have damn sure waited long enough.

What If

This song by Babyface always messes me up. “What if” are two very dangerous words. You could ‘what if’ yourself into a whole different reality and still not change anything about the present. My favorite ‘what if’ movie is Sliding Doors. The whole movie is about one big what if scenario. In one life, Gwyneth Paltrow’s character gets fired & returns home early to find her live-in boyfriend in bed with another woman. In the other life, she misses her train, gets home late and doesn’t catch the boyfriend cheating. The simple action of the sliding doors that caused her to miss the train, changed her whole life.

Unfortunately in real life we don’t get to see all of our options play out. We have to make blind decisions and hope that we made the right ones. We end things, we move on and we convince ourselves that it was ‘for the best’. That generally works but sometimes you get that call or that message from that person that you makes you wonder, did I do the right thing? What if overreacted? What if I was wrong? What if we were supposed to be together?

I want to believe that true love conquers all but I’m no fool either. If everything happens for a reason and what’s meant to be will be then I guess time will tell if I was right or wrong. In the meantime, I’m not gonna hold my breath or walk around dreaming about what if.

50 First Dates

After wanting to try this for quite some time, I had my first speed dating experience this weekend. I went by myself and I had a great time. When you walk in all the tables are numbered. You get a wristband that tells you what round you are in and where you’re supposed to sit. Each round gets 5 dates that last 5 minutes each. While sitting, you are given a scorecard to write down the names of all your dates & whether or not you felt you matched with them. The organizers collect the cards at the end of each round. After the event, they review the ratings and if both people choose to match they put you in contact with one another.

I have to admit that the whole experience was very flattering. Not to toot my own horn but (beep beep) because I was definitely in the top tier of people that were there. I had so much fun that I did two rounds so I had a total of 10 dates. Of the 10, I selected yes for 4 of them and maybe for two of them. By the way, they really didn’t have a ‘maybe’ category but being as indecisive as I am, I added my own.

The funny thing about it is since I’ve been in Atlanta I’ve been a lot more outgoing than I was in Houston. A lot of the times I am by myself since I don’t have my girls here. I quickly found out that I can either play the wallflower/homebody or step out and have a good time. This was definitely one of the nights that I chose to step out and have a good time. I met some potential dates as well as potential girls to hang out with so it was a win all around.

It was fun to talk with the women that were there to get their perspectives on dating and Atlanta men in general. I met one woman that swore she was going to meet her husband to be that night. I also met another that was so jaded she had decided that everyone was a NO before the dating even started. Personally, I fell somewhere in the middle…. I guess you could say I was hopeful but not really expecting anything either.

I was somewhat shocked by the quality of men there. There were some cuties, as well as, some not so cuties. One of my mini-dates was with a man that was just like mom’s apple pie…he was sweet sweet sweet, yet he thought we were supposed to believe that he straight? I matched with a lawyer, pharmacist, and an “actor” so that’s not too shabby.

Overall, where else can you get 10 dates & infinite entertainment in one night for $20? I’d say it was a definite bargain. Did I meet my husband….probably not. Would I do it again, ABSOLUTELY!

Computer Love

The combination of dating + technology has led to the rise of fauxmances and computer love. Fauxmances are pseudo relationships that constantly leave themselves open to interpretation and innuendo. I reached this conclusion a while back but reading this blog served as confirmation. In this internet & computer age that we live in, we are connected to so many people, yet we seem to be becoming more and disconnected in the ways that matter most. People seem to have replaced the art of telephone and in-person conversations with texting, facebooking, tweeting, emailing, and IMn.

I’ll be the first to admit that I have been the victim of computer love. Computer love is built on lazy non-traditional communication patterns. To quote Natalie in the above mentioned article “If they’re not calling and making genuine, human efforts that involve voice and sight to grow your relationship, and instead are relying on lazy forms of communication, you’re in a lazy ‘arrangement’ with a limited connection that is fostering false intimacy and building sandcastles in the sky.”

I have been both an offender and a victim of this behavior. Sometimes, I just don’t want to talk. I prefer to text so that I can continue doing three things at once instead of giving my full attention to that person. However upon further contemplation I realized that I really do prefer to talk, to people that I really LIKE. It’s the people that I don’t like as much, that I relegate to electronic communication status. Think about that for a minute…. Now flip it, and assume that if a man is only texting/emailing/IMn you it could because he doesn’t really like you. Why else would he choose such a flippant method of reaching you instead of calling to give you his undivided attention? Yeah he might like you a little bit but he doesn’t REALLY like you. Now you might be cool with this & you might not. It depends on how you feel about this man and what your intentions are for the relationship but you need to know this going in.

Now let’s be clear, I am not against all texts and emails. There are good texts and bad texts but 85% of your communication shouldn’t be comprised of texting. Whatever happened to the anticipation of hearing someone’s voice? In what world is getting a WAUD, What’s up, Thinking of you, Can I see you l8r, TEXT better than hearing the sexy baritone (hopefully) of your potentials voice? Not to mention if they can’t spell or don’t have a grasp of elementary grammar then they lose all credibility and sexiness with me (but that’s another blog).

Our parents gave us hell for it, but there was something to be said for those 3-4 hour phone conversations that I used to have with boys as a teenager.
How are you ever supposed to figure out if you truly vibe with this person if all they do is text? Texting gives you time to think and edit your responses accordingly. To successfully screen your mate, shouldn’t you be seeking methods of communication that will allow you to see their most authentic self?

To a woman like me, who constantly interprets and analyzes everything, dealing with one of these electronic communicators is a nightmare. Everything is up for interpretation. There is no way to indicate sarcasm, anger, humor, anticipation, or happiness in the electronic word. You have no tone or frame of reference for what their intentions are or what they are trying to convey. That means that you are left on your own to fill in the blanks of the message that they are trying to get across (and fill in the blanks I will). If you guess incorrectly, you could end up in a whole relationship built on false assumptions, a fauxmance. Just know that if you relying solely on texting me, I’m gonna assume the worse and write you off. I want the real thing not computer love.

Up in the Air

I have epiphanies in the strangest places. I was traveling the other day and I missed my flight so I had to fly standby on the next flight. Well that flight was full and I didn’t make the list and ended up having to wait for the NEXT flight. I had been at the airport for about 6 hours at that point and I was pissed to say the least. Well my flight finally arrived and as #10 on the stand-by list I was the last one to be called on the plane. To make the situation even better, I was upgraded to first-class! If I had known, while I was sitting in the airport for 6 hours, that I was gonna be flying first-class with unlimited Chardonnay all the way to my destination I would’ve been a lot more pleasant. The problem is, I didn’t know. I didn’t know how my situation was going to turn out, much like my life in general, so I let worry and stress get the best of me instead of just trusting that the universe would work things out.

There are a lot of aspects of my life that seem to be on standby. I worry about these things daily and it doesn’t do a bit of good. My unexpected first-class experience reminded me that things always work out for the highest good. Always. The chips are going to fall where they will and worrying is just a waste of time.

Not worrying is an unnatural thing for me to do. It goes against every grain of my go-getter personality. I feel like I have to push push push to make everything happen and if I’m not pushing then I feel like I’m not in motion. The thing is, sometimes the best form of action that you can take is inaction. Pushing doesn’t make anything come faster, it just makes you crazy. In the worst case, you could push yourself right into a situation that is worse than where you started from.

As long as you’ve done your due diligence and done everything that YOU can do, there is no need in worrying about what the next person is gonna do. So instead of stressing about all the things and people in my life that are still up in the air, I am going to try my best to stop worrying and enjoy life for what it is right now.

The Perfect Storm

Atliens across the city are pulling their hair out in frustration after being stuck inside for most of the week. Leave it to me to move to Atlanta just in time to experience an unprecedented winter storm. I wished for snow, but I didn’t mean like this.

One good thing about the storm is that it gave me a lot of time to bond with my new puppy! That’s right, I bought a puppy on Saturday. I had been thinking about getting a new pet ever since I moved and due to recent events I decided that now was as good a time as any. My new love is a Shih-Tzu named Sasha B. Fierce. She is every bit as fabulous as her name suggests. I have to admit that purchasing my new furry BFF was the best money that I’ve spent in a long time. Dogs are loyal, happy, and they don’t talk back. It’s impossible for me to be sad when looking at her furry little face. Sasha listens to me talk shit all day and all she does is wag her tail and go about her business. I love it! She’s also very smart and unbelievably adorable. Spending time with her over the past few days made my first snowed-in experience bearable.

On the flip side, because there is always a flip side with me, the snow-in has made it increasingly difficult to move on from him. Being confined to a studio apartment with a limited supply of alcohol is not exactly the ideal cure for a “breakup”. I want nothing more than to go out, party, & pop it for pimp until I forget but in this weather…that’s not happening.

At least when I’m at work I can focus on work but when I’m at home allll day I have nothing but time to THINK. Thinking is not something that I’m trying to do right now. Especially not when the thoughts revolve around him *sigh*. It really sucks to be stranded in baby making weather with no baby making practice partner in sight. The good news is the snow is thawing and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. They say the best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one. I’m ready to test that theory.

Listless

It seems that I can’t ever start a new year without eliminating someone from my life. I try to be proactive and get rid of the dead weight throughout the year but sometimes people slip through the cracks. Just because you know that you have to move on from someone doesn’t make it any easier. I remember back in the day I used to l believe that whoever ended it first “won”. Well I ended it, but I don’t feel like a winner at all.

I feel list•less/ˈlis(t)lis/ Adj (of a person or their manner) Lacking energy or enthusiasm.

Sometimes when you spend so much time talking to a person it makes you wonder, what did you do before you started talking to them. What do you do with all the free time that they used to occupy? Who do you run to, to share your daily stories and anecdotes? Well, I don’t have the answers to those questions just yet but I know that I can’t run to him anymore.

Year in Review

I have to say that 2010 was a very good year for me. It started off a little rocky but once I got focused and determined on my path I was able to turn things around. I made a lot of big decisions in 2010 that should change the game for me.

• I started off 2010 with a new number. That allowed me to cut off a lot of toxic friends and exes that seemed to wander in and out of my life on a consistent basis.
• I traveled A LOT and started to really conquer my fear of flying. I saw a lot of different places both domestic and international that shaped my perspective of the world.
• I finished my Masters degree and began to enact some of my major career goals.
• I moved to Atlanta.

In spite of all the things I accomplished last year, I wouldn’t be keeping it real if I didn’t say that I still worry about the things that I haven’t yet obtained. I’m still checking that single box. Instead of looking at my relationship status as a negative or some type of indicator of my self-worth, I see it as an increasingly positive state. Who could be better for me than myself? I’d rather be single than stuck in a loveless marriage or clinging to a dead relationship based on the fear of being alone. To quote one of my favorite Tweeps, “let me just take a moment & thank God for being single because some of y'all are crazier than an upside down roach in church.”

I know that I’m not meant to be alone and I won’t be single forever so while I am I plan to use my time being fabulous and improving myself. Like attracts like so by the time I’m done with me whoever comes in my life will be damn near perfect.

I’m getting closer to that magic number and I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not going to reach a lot of the goals that I said I would by the big 3-0 but 30 is the new 20 anyway…right? One good thing about getting older is that I honestly care less and less about what people think. I have a limited number of fucks to give about people’s opinion of me and I’ve already used most of those throughout my 20s. I’m doing ME in the truest sense of the phrase and what could be better than that?

So yeah, by the end of 2011 I want to find love, lose weight, get out of debt, start my dream job, and rule the world… but you know what? If none of that happens, I think I’ll still be good as long as I’m living life to the fullest on my own terms.