Devil in a New Dress

If you've been doing all you can and it's not happening for you, go out and have you a good old time. Put on your sexy dress and move on. –Beyoncé

I'd like to think that there are only few things in my life that can't be fixed by a new dress, new hair, and some good girl power music. I plan to acquire all three over the weekend. Sometimes things don't work out. It can be disappointing and even a little sad but I know that I can't live in that space. I still have me, and I'm pretty damn awesome. That's the most important thing.

I've already gone on a date, booked my next vacation, and lost some weight. I guess you could say I'm highly motivated. I plan to use this motivation to continue moving forward. One monkey don't stop no show and the show must go on.

I'd like to think that every experience that I have, whether positive or negative, makes me sharper. Better. Every guy that I meet gets me a little closer. I remember the things that I like and I also learn about new things to avoid. When you know what you deserve, it's easy to get rid of people that don't measure up. People that try to make you accept less. There was a time when I would probably take what I could get, but I'm thankful that I'm not that girl anymore. I give my all and expect the same in return. I don't do it for the other person. I do it so that I don't have to walk around with regrets. It must suck to know that you've lost a person or opportunity simply because of your inability to step up. When I know that I've made my best effort and given my all, it's easier for me to move on.

I don't believe in dishing out pieces of myself to undeserving people. I'm a package that comes with guidelines, standards, boundaries, and requirements. I know that might not work for every guy. Those guys are not for me. So in the mean time, until he shows up, I'm gonna crank up this Beyoncé, put on my new dress, and shake my ass in some fabulous heels because that's what single girls do!

I'm on to the next one…

 

The Blame Game

Things used to be, now they’re not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely
-Kanye West

I Decided

"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having." - Unknown

Determining whether or not to move on from something is never an easy decision. The situation can be made easier if the person has done something wrong like cheating or lying. In those cases, there is usually very little question about what you need to do. My problem is with the "grey areas". I think most people would agree that cheating is a fireable offense but, there are other situations that could inevitably lead to the demise of a relationship.

I'm from the school of thought that says whatever you had to do to gain a person's interest and subsequently enter into a relationship with that person is the same thing that you'll have to do to maintain it. If you made time to call, text, and see this person on a regular basis then you will have to keep that up. Granted, no one can sustain that lovey-dovey, see each other all the time, phase that every relationship goes through in the beginning. For the first couple of months, you might want to spend every waking moment with that person but as more time passes the level of communication evens out. At any rate, there should at least be a minimal baseline standard of communication and physical contact that you can't fall beneath. When you find that you, or your SO, isn't doing everything that you know he or she should, sometimes it's easier to say "I don't have time" or "I'm busy" to mask the deeper issues that are at play. What I've found is that people who use these excuses often continue to take on other frivolous activities and commitments with no hesitation. That makes me wonder, how busy can you really be? When this happens, what they are nonverbally telling you is, "I don't want to make time" or "I don't see this relationship as a priority that deserves my time." In my opinion, that is a fireable offense that deserves the same result as cheating, or lying, or anything else.

No one wants to be in a one-sided "relationship" that leaves you feeling unappreciated and unvalued however, you also don't want to "jump the gun" by ending it over something that seems to be easily fixable. It's viewed as a "fixable" problem because you rationalize that if we just spent more time together things would be better. And it should be easy to 'spend more time' with the person that you're in a relationship with, right? They say "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't." I've spent a lot of time analyzing and seeking the opinions of others regarding how to proceed even though deep down I already knew the answer. Time is not something that you should have to ask for when you're in a relationship. When in a relationship, I give my all and I expect the same in return. If a person can't do that, then that is not a person that I can be in a relationship with.

Rude Boy

"Being friends with a man means I get to find out the stupid and simple ways they look at women." -Brown Sugar

There is something very different but equally important that can be gained from having a male friend or two. It's nice to have exposure to the male psyche and to learn about the way that they think. For the purposes of this blog, I'm talking about platonic male friends; not male "friends" that you are currently doing or who are trying to do you.

Here's a story... I have a friend whom I'll call Ryan. Ryan is a handsome and somewhat charming (or so he'd like you to believe) guy who had recently gone through a divorce. He was dating (and by dating I mean boning) about 2-3 women during his post-divorce period. To his credit, he was honest with them in the beginning that he was not looking for a relationship or anything serious however he never explicitly mentioned that there were others. He would tell me about his experiences with these women and all the things they would do to "make him" relationship ready. One had even gone as far as referring to him as her "man" even though unbeknownst to her, she wasn't even #1 of the three. Ryan was adamant to me that he absolutely didn't want a relationship with anyone, especially any of these women because he was just dating & having fun. It was jarring for me to hear about this because naturally I sympathized with the women and thought of myself in that position. I helped convince him to tell the truth and cut some of them off as they were clearly becoming attached. About 2 weeks after that, he met girl #4 and magically he was "ready". He got rid of the previous 3 and is now in a relationship.

Hearing about his escapades pretty much confirmed some things that I already knew through experience and otherwise. If a man says he's not ready for a relationship, that almost always means he's not ready for a relationship with you. If you have fallen into that unfortunate category there is almost nothing you can do to change your lot. Paying for dates, gifting him with things, and making yourself available 24/7 to be on call for him still won't change your position. He's not "scared of being hurt". He's not "taking his time". He's not "scared of commitment". He's just not that into you. Of course there are exceptions, but what are the odds that you're the exception?

The other thing I learned, is the importance of multi-dating. Now let's be clear, I am NOT talking about cheating nor am I talking about sleeping around. I'm talking about going on dates with multiple people, until you become exclusive with one person. Some women, myself included, are guilty of cutting off options too quickly when we meet someone we think we like. You should ALWAYS assume he's multi-dating unless you have had a talk which indicated that he isn't.

Rude Boys give it to you straight. It can feel like a slap in the face but when you over-analyze everything, the way that I and most other women do, sometimes that dose of blunt, rude, reality is needed. It's one of those things that I feel like helps and hurts me at the same time. It helps me because it gives me an idea of what I could be up against. It hurts me because, having firsthand knowledge of all the things that someone "could" be doing makes me unnecessarily skeptical of people who might not deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I know too much and wish I could go back to my younger years of blissful ignorance. When a guy is telling me one thing, I'm already thinking about my male friends and what they would be doing in that same situation. If I feel like it's not lining up in my favor, I don't hesitate to make adjustments to ensure that I'm not hurt or led on. Sometimes the things my friends tell me can be a hard pill to swallow, but in the long run it's helping my dating experience.

Love vs. Logic

"Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance." – Garth Brooks

I was listening to Garth Brooks "The Dance" and it got me to thinking about life experience, relationships, and skepticism. If you're unfamiliar with the song, he talks about a relationship that was his everything at the time but it eventually went bad. He questions that if he had known the outcome, would it have been better to skip over the relationship and the resulting heartbreak or were the good times experienced during the relationship worth the painful end?

People always talk about learning from mistakes. At what point does learning from your mistakes become unnecessary skepticism? Can too much life experience prevent you from giving someone the benefit of the doubt? If you had a feeling that something might end badly would you do it anyway? Do you have any experiences that ended badly, but you would do it again just for the journey that got you to that end?

I'm impatient. I want to know the big picture and how it will all turn out. I think a lot of people want to know this which is why the Psychic industry brings in millions every year. I try to calculate my risks before proceeding to a certain level but love isn't a calculation. It's easy to say that if you knew how something would go, you would avoid it but that's not always the case. I'm learning that sometimes you have to reach that dead end in order to learn the lessons that you need to get to the next level. If I skipped over some of my most painful breakups, I'd also be skipping over all the life experiences and lessons that I learned during those relationships. I think you should consider your past experience but don't let that stop you from jumping in with abandon. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.

Free Your Mind

I've been in Atlanta for well over a year now and I still don't get the whole "there are no men in Atlanta" thing. I've done more dating here than I ever did where I previously lived. I'm talking about "eligible" guys with things going for themselves. I'm currently in a relationship now and maintained a steady dating life before I got attached. I think the thing about Atlanta is, there are a lot of fake ballers/players etc. but those people are everywhere. I definitely ran across my fair share of them in my old city. Most of those types are easy to avoid if you stay out of those circles. I'm not looking for a baller/athlete/fake celebrity so I avoid those guys like the plague. I also refuse to play these games of catering to a man and putting myself out there as if I will accept anything just to have a man and then later cry foul when it doesn’t play out the way you thought it would. I make it clear what I am looking for and if the guy isn't up for it, they politely bow out... After all, most men have plenty of other options that will accept whatever they are offered so if you set some boundaries it becomes very easy to eliminate those who aren’t about anything.

There are a lot of attractive women here but oh well... so am I. In order to be "competitive" you have to be able to bring something to the table and have something going for yourself other than your looks. Based on feedback from the guys that I have dated, although there are a lot of attractive women here most of them don't have their head on straight. They are into clubbing, trying to be in videos, demanding to be taken to 5-star restaurants on the first date and other bird antics such as those. If you're attractive AND down to earth it will be refreshing to the men here and you won't have problems... At least that's what I have experienced.

Don’t believe the hype about there being no men in Atlanta and/or that everyone is gay or on the DL. Or better yet maybe I should just let women keep thinking that so they can stay away and I’ll have more to choose from.