“If you want a happy ending, it will depend on where you stop the story.” – Orson Wells
Have you ever done something that you knew would end badly and you did it anyway? I think that if we are honest with ourselves we have all done this in one way or another. It could have been as simple as getting burned on a hot stove after you were warned to stay away. Or, it could be something a little more complex like getting caught up in a relationship that’s destined to end. I’m talking about falling for a person that you know is unavailable or unable in one way or another to meet all of your needs in the long term.
Generally most relationships allow you the naïveté of thinking that they will last forever but sometimes you get into situations that you know are going to end. I’ll call it expiration dating. This could be a vacation fling, a Mr. Right Now situation, or maybe even an affair…anything that you know is probably going to lead to a dead end. Do you walk away before it nosedives or do you see it through and hope (against reality) for the best? Who wouldn’t agree that it’s better to go out on top? That it would be better to leave while you have more memories of the good times than the bad. Because even though it’s great right now, we know how these situations play out. I know that there is a countdown.
To get good endings, one has to master the art of letting go at the right time. What is the point of hanging on until the bitter end and letting that ending, cloud everything that has come before that? Things go bad when you hold on for too long. It’s always that last run… that last job… that last reconciliation… that last fight… when shit ends up going left.
Sometimes it’s better to just walk away. You may wonder what if, but in my experience the fantasy of wondering what if is almost always better than the harsh reality of letting these types of situations play out.
Clown
Mariah said it better than I could....
Who's gonna love you when It all falls down, and
Who's gonna love you whenYour bankroll runs out
Who's gonna care when the novelty's over
When the star of the show isn't you anymore
Nobody cares when the tears of a clown fall down...
No one, because you're a clown!
Who's gonna love you when It all falls down, and
Who's gonna love you whenYour bankroll runs out
Who's gonna care when the novelty's over
When the star of the show isn't you anymore
Nobody cares when the tears of a clown fall down...
No one, because you're a clown!
Fame Monster
I do not like the man who squanders his life for fame; give me the man who living makes a name. –Emily Dickinson
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in Atlanta who's not an "aspiring" anything. I don't want to model, sing, rap, or be in entertainment. If you've been here for any period of time, then I'm sure you've encountered the "hyphens". You know the ones… I'm a teacher but really I rap. Or I work at Bebe but really, I'm a model. Girl….. And the worst are the ones that don't even have a hyphen to put in front of that entertainment career because they don't have a job.
I'm not in the "circle" and the only thing I'm "aspiring" to do is climb the career ladder in my field. I have never had a desire to be in the entertainment lifestyle living life in the spotlight. Sure the money would be nice, but only in the sense that it would provide the freedom to live my life on my terms. True talent and success sometimes produces fame as a by-product but it should not be chased the other way around. I think people that chase fame lack something within. I do not need the adoration or all too often the scrutiny, of others to feel like I've made it. Atlanta is truly becoming the "Hollywood of the south" and that's not a good thing. Certain aspects of the city mimic all the superficiality of Hollywood without enough talent or money to back it up.
Something about that whole element turns me off but when there are so many people around who live that lifestyle it becomes hard to avoid. Whenever I run into one of these entertainment guys, I always ask them this question. "If you worked solely as a __________ (rapper/actor/comedian/whatever) and earned the same amount that a person would make on a normal job, meaning you are able to live comfortably while practicing your craft but overall no one knew who you were, would you be happy with that?" Invariably, the answer is always no. They want the fame. In my opinion, that is the wrong answer.
Besides the fact that I think the need for constant validation from others is a character flaw, I have another problem with these "fame chasers". So many people use entertainment as not only a shortcut from hard work, but also as an excuse to be ratchet. Oh….I have to post these azz shots on Twitter because I'm a "model" or I have to be in the club every time it opens because I'm promoting my "music". Because apparently their craft would be better served by using someone's rent money to make it rain in the strip club than by sitting down somewhere and writing some lyrics that make sense. Oh okay…
Because you have an influx of talentless people who just want to be "put on" by any means necessary, it makes me skeptical of people who have these "hyphen" careers. I'm sure we all know the type. These people don't want to work so they just flit from one get rich quick scheme to another. First he's on some MLM scam, then he's a "writer", now he's think he wants to go into acting…. Boy stop! You basically don't want to work.
That's what I get from most of these fame chasers and that's why I avoid them. I'll take a regular dude all day every day.
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in Atlanta who's not an "aspiring" anything. I don't want to model, sing, rap, or be in entertainment. If you've been here for any period of time, then I'm sure you've encountered the "hyphens". You know the ones… I'm a teacher but really I rap. Or I work at Bebe but really, I'm a model. Girl….. And the worst are the ones that don't even have a hyphen to put in front of that entertainment career because they don't have a job.
I'm not in the "circle" and the only thing I'm "aspiring" to do is climb the career ladder in my field. I have never had a desire to be in the entertainment lifestyle living life in the spotlight. Sure the money would be nice, but only in the sense that it would provide the freedom to live my life on my terms. True talent and success sometimes produces fame as a by-product but it should not be chased the other way around. I think people that chase fame lack something within. I do not need the adoration or all too often the scrutiny, of others to feel like I've made it. Atlanta is truly becoming the "Hollywood of the south" and that's not a good thing. Certain aspects of the city mimic all the superficiality of Hollywood without enough talent or money to back it up.
Something about that whole element turns me off but when there are so many people around who live that lifestyle it becomes hard to avoid. Whenever I run into one of these entertainment guys, I always ask them this question. "If you worked solely as a __________ (rapper/actor/comedian/whatever) and earned the same amount that a person would make on a normal job, meaning you are able to live comfortably while practicing your craft but overall no one knew who you were, would you be happy with that?" Invariably, the answer is always no. They want the fame. In my opinion, that is the wrong answer.
Besides the fact that I think the need for constant validation from others is a character flaw, I have another problem with these "fame chasers". So many people use entertainment as not only a shortcut from hard work, but also as an excuse to be ratchet. Oh….I have to post these azz shots on Twitter because I'm a "model" or I have to be in the club every time it opens because I'm promoting my "music". Because apparently their craft would be better served by using someone's rent money to make it rain in the strip club than by sitting down somewhere and writing some lyrics that make sense. Oh okay…
Because you have an influx of talentless people who just want to be "put on" by any means necessary, it makes me skeptical of people who have these "hyphen" careers. I'm sure we all know the type. These people don't want to work so they just flit from one get rich quick scheme to another. First he's on some MLM scam, then he's a "writer", now he's think he wants to go into acting…. Boy stop! You basically don't want to work.
That's what I get from most of these fame chasers and that's why I avoid them. I'll take a regular dude all day every day.
Be Happy
When you think about the fact that your bad day is better than a lot of people’s best day then you’ll never get pissed. –Slim Thugga
Every now and then it’s easy to become so bogged down with mundane life problems that you forget all of the wonderful things that you have to be thankful for. Consider the fact that nearly half the world – over three billion people – live on less than $2.50 a day. When you think about how much worse things could be, it almost feels like you’re being a little insulting to the universe by complaining.
Once a month, I’m going to use my blog to remind myself of all of the things that I have to be grateful for. I encourage you to take stock of your list as well. These don’t have to be deep & profound things… Just anything you want to list that makes your life happier. It can be a big thing (like good health) or small mundane things (like a favorite lip gloss). The point is that you should always remember the good things in your life and not get weighed down by the negative.
So here are 25 random things that I’m thankful for (in no particular order):
• Good Health
• My Mom
• God
• My nieces & nephew
• My Grandmother
• My family
• A Great Job
• Having a great boss
• Upward mobility
• My apartment
• My car
• Springtime in Atlanta
• Friends
• Sisters
• ΔΣΘ
• My laptop
• D.G.
• My passport
• Quality Remy (lol)
• My iPhone
• My sense of humor
• HBO
• Travel
• Good wine
• M•A•C
Every now and then it’s easy to become so bogged down with mundane life problems that you forget all of the wonderful things that you have to be thankful for. Consider the fact that nearly half the world – over three billion people – live on less than $2.50 a day. When you think about how much worse things could be, it almost feels like you’re being a little insulting to the universe by complaining.
Once a month, I’m going to use my blog to remind myself of all of the things that I have to be grateful for. I encourage you to take stock of your list as well. These don’t have to be deep & profound things… Just anything you want to list that makes your life happier. It can be a big thing (like good health) or small mundane things (like a favorite lip gloss). The point is that you should always remember the good things in your life and not get weighed down by the negative.
So here are 25 random things that I’m thankful for (in no particular order):
• Good Health
• My Mom
• God
• My nieces & nephew
• My Grandmother
• My family
• A Great Job
• Having a great boss
• Upward mobility
• My apartment
• My car
• Springtime in Atlanta
• Friends
• Sisters
• ΔΣΘ
• My laptop
• D.G.
• My passport
• Quality Remy (lol)
• My iPhone
• My sense of humor
• HBO
• Travel
• Good wine
• M•A•C
Number One
Selfishness - The quality or state of being selfish; exclusive regard to one's own interest or happiness; the supreme self-love or self-preference which leads a person to direct her purposes to the advancement of her own interest, power, or happiness, without regarding those of others.
Not too long ago, someone told me that I was selfish. The way it happened is that I was telling him about a situation in my life involving me and another person. If the situation in question were to take place it would greatly benefit the other party however it wouldn't benefit me. Matter of fact not only would it not benefit me, it would be to the detriment of the way I hoped the situation would play out. Initially I was a little taken aback that he called me that and I took offense to it. After thinking about it further, I realize that I was indeed being selfish however, I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes. I would even postulate that, as a single woman with no kids or commitments, I have an obligation to be selfish in certain situations. ' Selfishness' when applied correctly and in moderation, can get you ahead and keep you out of bad situations.
The way I see it is, you have to look out for numero uno. No one could possibly be more concerned with your best interests than you. If you don't look out for yourself people will use you to their benefit with no regard as to whether or not that situation benefits you and your higher need. This can be in work, family, or relationships. It really doesn't matter where.
I'm a naturally loyal & selfless person so it took me a while to evolve to this way of way of thinking. However, when it comes down to it I don't have a husband nor children that I'm obligated to. Why would I lay down my own self-interest and advancement to promote others who would not do the same for me? If you turn your well-being and development over to another person, without advocating for your own self-interests, then you will almost always end up disappointed.
Often as women, we end up playing the 'savior' role in which we lay down our goals, dreams, and ambition to "ride" for someone else. Why? If it's not someone that you're legally bound to or at least truly committed to, in words and actions in a reciprocal way, I feel that you should not be expected to do this. Make no mistake, I think there is nothing more beautiful than a couple that can selflessly make sacrifices for one another but you have to get to that point. You shouldn't be throwing your needs, wants, and desires down after the first date to make yourself a better "fit" for someone else's. There's nothing worse than spending years "having someone's back" only to realize that person never had yours. I feel that type of loyalty and selflessness has to be earned. If looking out for number one makes me selfish, then I'll wear that label as a badge of honor.
How selfish are you? Take this quiz to find out.
http://blogthings.com/howselfishareyouquiz/
Not too long ago, someone told me that I was selfish. The way it happened is that I was telling him about a situation in my life involving me and another person. If the situation in question were to take place it would greatly benefit the other party however it wouldn't benefit me. Matter of fact not only would it not benefit me, it would be to the detriment of the way I hoped the situation would play out. Initially I was a little taken aback that he called me that and I took offense to it. After thinking about it further, I realize that I was indeed being selfish however, I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes. I would even postulate that, as a single woman with no kids or commitments, I have an obligation to be selfish in certain situations. ' Selfishness' when applied correctly and in moderation, can get you ahead and keep you out of bad situations.
The way I see it is, you have to look out for numero uno. No one could possibly be more concerned with your best interests than you. If you don't look out for yourself people will use you to their benefit with no regard as to whether or not that situation benefits you and your higher need. This can be in work, family, or relationships. It really doesn't matter where.
I'm a naturally loyal & selfless person so it took me a while to evolve to this way of way of thinking. However, when it comes down to it I don't have a husband nor children that I'm obligated to. Why would I lay down my own self-interest and advancement to promote others who would not do the same for me? If you turn your well-being and development over to another person, without advocating for your own self-interests, then you will almost always end up disappointed.
Often as women, we end up playing the 'savior' role in which we lay down our goals, dreams, and ambition to "ride" for someone else. Why? If it's not someone that you're legally bound to or at least truly committed to, in words and actions in a reciprocal way, I feel that you should not be expected to do this. Make no mistake, I think there is nothing more beautiful than a couple that can selflessly make sacrifices for one another but you have to get to that point. You shouldn't be throwing your needs, wants, and desires down after the first date to make yourself a better "fit" for someone else's. There's nothing worse than spending years "having someone's back" only to realize that person never had yours. I feel that type of loyalty and selflessness has to be earned. If looking out for number one makes me selfish, then I'll wear that label as a badge of honor.
How selfish are you? Take this quiz to find out.
http://blogthings.com/howselfishareyouquiz/
Something Good
“An open enemy is better than a false friend.” – Greek Proverb
If you’re going to call someone your friend, I think that you should have something good to say about them. That’s not to say that your friend won’t ever work your last nerve or make you want to cuss her out occasionally, but the good should outweigh the bad. We all hear the stories about these people who have these awful horrible “friends” who do all these awful horrible things. It makes me want to scream, “WHY ARE YOU HER FRIEND AGAIN?” Please, TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD.
Why do people keep others around as “friends” but do nothing but talk about them? If the person is so bad that all you can do is talk about them, why keep them around and keep calling them your “friend” but talk about them behind their back? That’s unnecessary. If that person is truly your friend, shouldn’t you be trying to help him or her overcome the issues that you are talking about? If you feel that you have reached your limit of trying and it has fallen on deaf ears then maybe you should step back from the situation. Just cut them off or at least take a break. Friendships need that sometimes.
I was in a situation in which it got to the point that I realized I had nothing good to say about the person, only negative things. I had to let that person go. In situations like those, that person is not a “friend”. If the person is truly as awful as you claim they are, why would you want to call them your friend? Is it so that you can say you have more friends? Is it so you can have someone around to talk about in order to make yourself feel better? I don’t know the answer but these are questions that make me wonder. In my opinion, there are really only two options. Either the person really is as bad as you say, in which case you probably shouldn’t be dealing with them or you’re just going on and on about a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t really matter and you need to stop.
I can say now that I only have GOOD THINGS to say about all the people in my life. If you ask me about one of them, I will tell you something good. Do we have disagreements? Sure! Do they work my nerves occasionally? Absolutely! But am I complaining and talking about how horrible they are and how they wronged me to anyone that will listen while still calling them my “friend”? Absolutely not! That’s how I think it should be.
If you’re going to call someone your friend, I think that you should have something good to say about them. That’s not to say that your friend won’t ever work your last nerve or make you want to cuss her out occasionally, but the good should outweigh the bad. We all hear the stories about these people who have these awful horrible “friends” who do all these awful horrible things. It makes me want to scream, “WHY ARE YOU HER FRIEND AGAIN?” Please, TELL ME SOMETHING GOOD.
Why do people keep others around as “friends” but do nothing but talk about them? If the person is so bad that all you can do is talk about them, why keep them around and keep calling them your “friend” but talk about them behind their back? That’s unnecessary. If that person is truly your friend, shouldn’t you be trying to help him or her overcome the issues that you are talking about? If you feel that you have reached your limit of trying and it has fallen on deaf ears then maybe you should step back from the situation. Just cut them off or at least take a break. Friendships need that sometimes.
I was in a situation in which it got to the point that I realized I had nothing good to say about the person, only negative things. I had to let that person go. In situations like those, that person is not a “friend”. If the person is truly as awful as you claim they are, why would you want to call them your friend? Is it so that you can say you have more friends? Is it so you can have someone around to talk about in order to make yourself feel better? I don’t know the answer but these are questions that make me wonder. In my opinion, there are really only two options. Either the person really is as bad as you say, in which case you probably shouldn’t be dealing with them or you’re just going on and on about a bunch of bullshit that doesn’t really matter and you need to stop.
I can say now that I only have GOOD THINGS to say about all the people in my life. If you ask me about one of them, I will tell you something good. Do we have disagreements? Sure! Do they work my nerves occasionally? Absolutely! But am I complaining and talking about how horrible they are and how they wronged me to anyone that will listen while still calling them my “friend”? Absolutely not! That’s how I think it should be.
The Rules
“Forget the math, just don't f*ck on a first date and you're fine.” –Miranda Hobbes
I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t about THOSE rules. These rules, would make the creators of those rules blush. Everyone has their own rules for dating and a lot of them are the same. These are some of my funny, unwritten, superficial, and never spoken about outlandish dating rules. These are the rules that you aren’t supposed to talk about. You certainly won’t find them in that book. Of course none of this stuff REALLY matters & obviously there are much deeper qualifications that I’m looking for in a mate but that’s not what this post is about. So without further adieu, here are my rules:
• You have to be 5’10 or taller to ride this ride. I’m 5’7 and I wear heels. Short guys think they are ok with it but they really aren’t. I’m not giving up my shoes. They cost too much & I have too many. Sorry.
• I don’t like my man to be finer than me. I like a good solid 7-8.5. Any higher than that and they try to act up.. It’s not that the others don’t act up but men that are “too fine” pose a different set of problems.
• This is gonna be controversial but…I don’t like an overly large package. I need just enough to get the job done. I don’t need the extra nor the problems and/or withdrawal symptoms that come from not getting it anymore. I’ve never seen Rohan Marley’s package but I bet it’s BIG. And that’s the exact reason why Lauryn Hill is doing shows wearing 5 outfits at once with her hair uncombed. You can't let every man hit the "bottom". Nope, no thanks. Do. Not. Want.
• I don’t like pretty boys. If he has to primp, preen, and be dressed in the ‘new new’ looking like a GQ cover all the time then he's not for me. If he wears argyle, ascots, or colorful blazers, he needs not apply.
• There can only be one diva in the relationship and that’s ME! He can have a big ego but I will not deal with diva antics from my man. That only works for Kanye. I throw enough tantrums on my own.
• Until he says "I love you", I’m a free agent. I will work within whatever confines have been set as far exclusivity but…I’m a free agent.
• His weight ≥ my weight… For practical purposes, how can he pick me up & toss me around if he’s a lightweight? Also for aesthetics, I don’t want us walking around looking like the number 10 with him being the 1 and me being the 0. We should be more like an 11 or an 18.
• I will try to test “that area”. He better not allow it. I live in Atlanta. I know it’s not a foolproof method but hey…. What am I supposed to do?
What are some of your crazy dating rules? Sound off in the comment section.
I know what you’re thinking, but this isn’t about THOSE rules. These rules, would make the creators of those rules blush. Everyone has their own rules for dating and a lot of them are the same. These are some of my funny, unwritten, superficial, and never spoken about outlandish dating rules. These are the rules that you aren’t supposed to talk about. You certainly won’t find them in that book. Of course none of this stuff REALLY matters & obviously there are much deeper qualifications that I’m looking for in a mate but that’s not what this post is about. So without further adieu, here are my rules:
• You have to be 5’10 or taller to ride this ride. I’m 5’7 and I wear heels. Short guys think they are ok with it but they really aren’t. I’m not giving up my shoes. They cost too much & I have too many. Sorry.
• I don’t like my man to be finer than me. I like a good solid 7-8.5. Any higher than that and they try to act up.. It’s not that the others don’t act up but men that are “too fine” pose a different set of problems.
• This is gonna be controversial but…I don’t like an overly large package. I need just enough to get the job done. I don’t need the extra nor the problems and/or withdrawal symptoms that come from not getting it anymore. I’ve never seen Rohan Marley’s package but I bet it’s BIG. And that’s the exact reason why Lauryn Hill is doing shows wearing 5 outfits at once with her hair uncombed. You can't let every man hit the "bottom". Nope, no thanks. Do. Not. Want.
• I don’t like pretty boys. If he has to primp, preen, and be dressed in the ‘new new’ looking like a GQ cover all the time then he's not for me. If he wears argyle, ascots, or colorful blazers, he needs not apply.
• There can only be one diva in the relationship and that’s ME! He can have a big ego but I will not deal with diva antics from my man. That only works for Kanye. I throw enough tantrums on my own.
• Until he says "I love you", I’m a free agent. I will work within whatever confines have been set as far exclusivity but…I’m a free agent.
• His weight ≥ my weight… For practical purposes, how can he pick me up & toss me around if he’s a lightweight? Also for aesthetics, I don’t want us walking around looking like the number 10 with him being the 1 and me being the 0. We should be more like an 11 or an 18.
• I will try to test “that area”. He better not allow it. I live in Atlanta. I know it’s not a foolproof method but hey…. What am I supposed to do?
What are some of your crazy dating rules? Sound off in the comment section.
Devil in a New Dress
If you've been doing all you can and it's not happening for you, go out and have you a good old time. Put on your sexy dress and move on. –Beyoncé
I'd like to think that there are only few things in my life that can't be fixed by a new dress, new hair, and some good girl power music. I plan to acquire all three over the weekend. Sometimes things don't work out. It can be disappointing and even a little sad but I know that I can't live in that space. I still have me, and I'm pretty damn awesome. That's the most important thing.
I've already gone on a date, booked my next vacation, and lost some weight. I guess you could say I'm highly motivated. I plan to use this motivation to continue moving forward. One monkey don't stop no show and the show must go on.
I'd like to think that every experience that I have, whether positive or negative, makes me sharper. Better. Every guy that I meet gets me a little closer. I remember the things that I like and I also learn about new things to avoid. When you know what you deserve, it's easy to get rid of people that don't measure up. People that try to make you accept less. There was a time when I would probably take what I could get, but I'm thankful that I'm not that girl anymore. I give my all and expect the same in return. I don't do it for the other person. I do it so that I don't have to walk around with regrets. It must suck to know that you've lost a person or opportunity simply because of your inability to step up. When I know that I've made my best effort and given my all, it's easier for me to move on.
I don't believe in dishing out pieces of myself to undeserving people. I'm a package that comes with guidelines, standards, boundaries, and requirements. I know that might not work for every guy. Those guys are not for me. So in the mean time, until he shows up, I'm gonna crank up this Beyoncé, put on my new dress, and shake my ass in some fabulous heels because that's what single girls do!
I'm on to the next one…
The Blame Game
Things used to be, now they’re not
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely
-Kanye West
Anything but us is who we are
Disguising ourselves as secret lovers
We've become public enemies
We walk away like strangers in the street
Gone for eternity
We erased one another
So far from where we came
With so much of everything, how do we leave with nothing
Lack of visual empathy equates the meaning of L-O-V-E
Hatred and attitude tear us entirely
-Kanye West
I Decided
"Never chase love, affection, or attention. If it isn't given freely by another person, it isn't worth having." - Unknown
Determining whether or not to move on from something is never an easy decision. The situation can be made easier if the person has done something wrong like cheating or lying. In those cases, there is usually very little question about what you need to do. My problem is with the "grey areas". I think most people would agree that cheating is a fireable offense but, there are other situations that could inevitably lead to the demise of a relationship.
I'm from the school of thought that says whatever you had to do to gain a person's interest and subsequently enter into a relationship with that person is the same thing that you'll have to do to maintain it. If you made time to call, text, and see this person on a regular basis then you will have to keep that up. Granted, no one can sustain that lovey-dovey, see each other all the time, phase that every relationship goes through in the beginning. For the first couple of months, you might want to spend every waking moment with that person but as more time passes the level of communication evens out. At any rate, there should at least be a minimal baseline standard of communication and physical contact that you can't fall beneath. When you find that you, or your SO, isn't doing everything that you know he or she should, sometimes it's easier to say "I don't have time" or "I'm busy" to mask the deeper issues that are at play. What I've found is that people who use these excuses often continue to take on other frivolous activities and commitments with no hesitation. That makes me wonder, how busy can you really be? When this happens, what they are nonverbally telling you is, "I don't want to make time" or "I don't see this relationship as a priority that deserves my time." In my opinion, that is a fireable offense that deserves the same result as cheating, or lying, or anything else.
No one wants to be in a one-sided "relationship" that leaves you feeling unappreciated and unvalued however, you also don't want to "jump the gun" by ending it over something that seems to be easily fixable. It's viewed as a "fixable" problem because you rationalize that if we just spent more time together things would be better. And it should be easy to 'spend more time' with the person that you're in a relationship with, right? They say "advice is what you ask for when you already know the answer but wish you didn't." I've spent a lot of time analyzing and seeking the opinions of others regarding how to proceed even though deep down I already knew the answer. Time is not something that you should have to ask for when you're in a relationship. When in a relationship, I give my all and I expect the same in return. If a person can't do that, then that is not a person that I can be in a relationship with.
Rude Boy
"Being friends with a man means I get to find out the stupid and simple ways they look at women." -Brown Sugar
There is something very different but equally important that can be gained from having a male friend or two. It's nice to have exposure to the male psyche and to learn about the way that they think. For the purposes of this blog, I'm talking about platonic male friends; not male "friends" that you are currently doing or who are trying to do you.
Here's a story... I have a friend whom I'll call Ryan. Ryan is a handsome and somewhat charming (or so he'd like you to believe) guy who had recently gone through a divorce. He was dating (and by dating I mean boning) about 2-3 women during his post-divorce period. To his credit, he was honest with them in the beginning that he was not looking for a relationship or anything serious however he never explicitly mentioned that there were others. He would tell me about his experiences with these women and all the things they would do to "make him" relationship ready. One had even gone as far as referring to him as her "man" even though unbeknownst to her, she wasn't even #1 of the three. Ryan was adamant to me that he absolutely didn't want a relationship with anyone, especially any of these women because he was just dating & having fun. It was jarring for me to hear about this because naturally I sympathized with the women and thought of myself in that position. I helped convince him to tell the truth and cut some of them off as they were clearly becoming attached. About 2 weeks after that, he met girl #4 and magically he was "ready". He got rid of the previous 3 and is now in a relationship.
Hearing about his escapades pretty much confirmed some things that I already knew through experience and otherwise. If a man says he's not ready for a relationship, that almost always means he's not ready for a relationship with you. If you have fallen into that unfortunate category there is almost nothing you can do to change your lot. Paying for dates, gifting him with things, and making yourself available 24/7 to be on call for him still won't change your position. He's not "scared of being hurt". He's not "taking his time". He's not "scared of commitment". He's just not that into you. Of course there are exceptions, but what are the odds that you're the exception?
The other thing I learned, is the importance of multi-dating. Now let's be clear, I am NOT talking about cheating nor am I talking about sleeping around. I'm talking about going on dates with multiple people, until you become exclusive with one person. Some women, myself included, are guilty of cutting off options too quickly when we meet someone we think we like. You should ALWAYS assume he's multi-dating unless you have had a talk which indicated that he isn't.
Rude Boys give it to you straight. It can feel like a slap in the face but when you over-analyze everything, the way that I and most other women do, sometimes that dose of blunt, rude, reality is needed. It's one of those things that I feel like helps and hurts me at the same time. It helps me because it gives me an idea of what I could be up against. It hurts me because, having firsthand knowledge of all the things that someone "could" be doing makes me unnecessarily skeptical of people who might not deserve it. Sometimes I feel like I know too much and wish I could go back to my younger years of blissful ignorance. When a guy is telling me one thing, I'm already thinking about my male friends and what they would be doing in that same situation. If I feel like it's not lining up in my favor, I don't hesitate to make adjustments to ensure that I'm not hurt or led on. Sometimes the things my friends tell me can be a hard pill to swallow, but in the long run it's helping my dating experience.
Love vs. Logic
"Our lives are better left to chance. I could've missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance." – Garth Brooks
I was listening to Garth Brooks "The Dance" and it got me to thinking about life experience, relationships, and skepticism. If you're unfamiliar with the song, he talks about a relationship that was his everything at the time but it eventually went bad. He questions that if he had known the outcome, would it have been better to skip over the relationship and the resulting heartbreak or were the good times experienced during the relationship worth the painful end?
People always talk about learning from mistakes. At what point does learning from your mistakes become unnecessary skepticism? Can too much life experience prevent you from giving someone the benefit of the doubt? If you had a feeling that something might end badly would you do it anyway? Do you have any experiences that ended badly, but you would do it again just for the journey that got you to that end?
I'm impatient. I want to know the big picture and how it will all turn out. I think a lot of people want to know this which is why the Psychic industry brings in millions every year. I try to calculate my risks before proceeding to a certain level but love isn't a calculation. It's easy to say that if you knew how something would go, you would avoid it but that's not always the case. I'm learning that sometimes you have to reach that dead end in order to learn the lessons that you need to get to the next level. If I skipped over some of my most painful breakups, I'd also be skipping over all the life experiences and lessons that I learned during those relationships. I think you should consider your past experience but don't let that stop you from jumping in with abandon. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination.
Free Your Mind
I've been in Atlanta for well over a year now and I still don't get the whole "there are no men in Atlanta" thing. I've done more dating here than I ever did where I previously lived. I'm talking about "eligible" guys with things going for themselves. I'm currently in a relationship now and maintained a steady dating life before I got attached. I think the thing about Atlanta is, there are a lot of fake ballers/players etc. but those people are everywhere. I definitely ran across my fair share of them in my old city. Most of those types are easy to avoid if you stay out of those circles. I'm not looking for a baller/athlete/fake celebrity so I avoid those guys like the plague. I also refuse to play these games of catering to a man and putting myself out there as if I will accept anything just to have a man and then later cry foul when it doesn’t play out the way you thought it would. I make it clear what I am looking for and if the guy isn't up for it, they politely bow out... After all, most men have plenty of other options that will accept whatever they are offered so if you set some boundaries it becomes very easy to eliminate those who aren’t about anything.
There are a lot of attractive women here but oh well... so am I. In order to be "competitive" you have to be able to bring something to the table and have something going for yourself other than your looks. Based on feedback from the guys that I have dated, although there are a lot of attractive women here most of them don't have their head on straight. They are into clubbing, trying to be in videos, demanding to be taken to 5-star restaurants on the first date and other bird antics such as those. If you're attractive AND down to earth it will be refreshing to the men here and you won't have problems... At least that's what I have experienced.
Don’t believe the hype about there being no men in Atlanta and/or that everyone is gay or on the DL. Or better yet maybe I should just let women keep thinking that so they can stay away and I’ll have more to choose from.
There are a lot of attractive women here but oh well... so am I. In order to be "competitive" you have to be able to bring something to the table and have something going for yourself other than your looks. Based on feedback from the guys that I have dated, although there are a lot of attractive women here most of them don't have their head on straight. They are into clubbing, trying to be in videos, demanding to be taken to 5-star restaurants on the first date and other bird antics such as those. If you're attractive AND down to earth it will be refreshing to the men here and you won't have problems... At least that's what I have experienced.
Don’t believe the hype about there being no men in Atlanta and/or that everyone is gay or on the DL. Or better yet maybe I should just let women keep thinking that so they can stay away and I’ll have more to choose from.
The Social Network
"How should I begin this? I'm just so offended." –SC
Have you ever found out something about a person that completely changed your perception of who they are? In this age of Facebook and Twitter, I feel like I'm learning a lot of information about a lot of different people and some of it, I'd rather not know. Sure, it's just Facebook. Sure, it's just Twitter. But it's really still you. Meeting the "Facebook version" of a person that you thought you might like could completely change your perception. I always say, if you have a celebrity that you admire, DON'T FOLLOW HIM OR HER ON TWITTER. You just might find out that person is an idiot. Look at Tyrese…
As far as I'm concerned, the same rules apply for romantic relationships. If you want to peak my interest, just tell me that you don't use FB and Twitter. I know it's hypocritical because I use it, but I love it when guys don't. Unfortunately, that's pretty rare so I've had to make some exceptions. One rule that I try not to break is NO DATES OR BOYFRIENDS on my social networks. I do it to protect myself, as well as, them. Who hasn't stalked a FB page and analyzed every comment wondering what it meant? It's human nature. When it comes to FB, that will be the only time I tell my man "no, I don't want to see yours and you don't need to see mine." It leads to nothing but problems.
I believe in expressing myself but I also think that every thought doesn't need to be shared with everyone, ESPECIALLY if it's someone you're dating. There's no tone, context, or inflection when it comes to tweeting. What one person might think is funny or harmless could be perceived by another as "thirst" or "desperation". When it comes to Social Networking, it doesn't matter what you MEANT. What matters, is how it comes across. A guy might think it's cute to tweet that reality star 10x a day, as if she'd ever acknowledge him, but the girl you're dating might beg to differ. #TheThirst is real and social networking brings this out of people for some reason.
No one wants the dude in the club that tries to holla at every chick. Well, guess what? No one wants the man that's on Twitter or Facebook hitting up every random chick that floats across his timeline or wall. If I did want you & I saw that, you can trust & believe that I wouldn't want you anymore. How can anyone take a person like that seriously? Who wants to be the girlfriend of the thirsty dude on Twitter?
You can't un-ring a bell and you can't take back a dumb Tweet or Facebook status after it's been seen. Regardless of how cute you are, if you tweet something out of bounds, you might not be able to come back from that. There are already so many things that can go wrong in a relationship… Why add Twitter and Facebook into the mix?
Flaws & All
Better a diamond with a flaw, than a pebble without. –Confucius
After my last major breakup in 2008, I started getting serious about dating. One of the first things that I did was make a list. I figured that since I make lists for everything else, why wouldn’t I make a list of what I was looking for in Mr. Right? I found the process of making a list to be fun, reflective, and informative. I saw it as placing an order with the universe for my own personal Prince Charming. I made “the list” about 4 years ago and have made modifications to it over time.
People give these lists a bad rap. The whole debacle from What Chili Wants didn’t help. For me, the list is just a starting point to help me remain focused in what I’m looking for. I’m always surprised when I talk to my girlfriends who are dating and hoping to find someone special but they don’t even have a list. How can you know when you’ve found it, if you don’t even know what it is?
When you don’t have focus, it’s easy to meet someone who may stimulate you in one area (read: lust) but could be lacking in other major components. The list is a black & white reminder of why something can or can’t work. The funny thing about it is, every now and then you may meet someone special that makes you re-evaluate your entire list. I did.
Would you rather have a dreamboat “on paper” who meets 100% of your list requirements but you don’t know where he stands, or a guy with a heart of gold who only meets 75% of your list but makes you feel like the center of his world? Everyone will answer this question differently, however if you’re meeting person after person and no one measures up, then perhaps you need to check your yardstick. A wise man said, “Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.” Choose wisely.
After my last major breakup in 2008, I started getting serious about dating. One of the first things that I did was make a list. I figured that since I make lists for everything else, why wouldn’t I make a list of what I was looking for in Mr. Right? I found the process of making a list to be fun, reflective, and informative. I saw it as placing an order with the universe for my own personal Prince Charming. I made “the list” about 4 years ago and have made modifications to it over time.
People give these lists a bad rap. The whole debacle from What Chili Wants didn’t help. For me, the list is just a starting point to help me remain focused in what I’m looking for. I’m always surprised when I talk to my girlfriends who are dating and hoping to find someone special but they don’t even have a list. How can you know when you’ve found it, if you don’t even know what it is?
When you don’t have focus, it’s easy to meet someone who may stimulate you in one area (read: lust) but could be lacking in other major components. The list is a black & white reminder of why something can or can’t work. The funny thing about it is, every now and then you may meet someone special that makes you re-evaluate your entire list. I did.
Would you rather have a dreamboat “on paper” who meets 100% of your list requirements but you don’t know where he stands, or a guy with a heart of gold who only meets 75% of your list but makes you feel like the center of his world? Everyone will answer this question differently, however if you’re meeting person after person and no one measures up, then perhaps you need to check your yardstick. A wise man said, “Sometimes... when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing.” Choose wisely.
Viva la Vida
Whoever said that the way you go into the year, will determine the year you have is full of it. I think NYE 2010 was probably my saddest NYE to date yet 2011 has been the best year ever. I dated… A LOT, turned 30, got promoted, moved 3 times, and finally settled into my new city. As always, there has been some bitter with the sweet, but everything that I’ve let go of has made space for the people and things I have in my life right now. Atlanta has been good to me and I’m happy that I decided to call this city my new home.
For the longest, I expected that turning 30 would lead to some type of panic attack about all the things I haven’t done. I’m so happy that didn’t happen. Sure…there are still things (one thing in particular) I’d like to accomplish…but for that one thing that I haven’t done, there are so many things that I have. Instead of buying into all the myths about life for single women after 30, I’m embracing my age and the knowledge and wisdom that comes with it. I actually think I’m more fabulous now than ever. I know myself - my strengths and my weaknesses. I am fully confident in who I am. Confidence is sexy. What’s hotter than that? In addition to my fabulousity, I have lots of life experience and lessons learned that will prevent me from running around getting myself into all types of crazy predicaments like I did throughout my 20s. I know better, so now I can do better.
Time flies when you're having fun so I plan to live it up and take advantage of every single minute.
What about your friends?
"Friends....How many of us have them" -Whodini
Webster defines a friend as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Whodini’s definition of a friend is a little more grimy.
As I continue through my life, I’m learning that the label of “friend” can sometimes be a loaded word. In my personal world, I would say that there are 3 distinct types of people that may fall under the umbrella of the word friend at any given time. Those are associates, frenemies, and friends. Today I want to talk about Frenemies.
You’re probably asking why would anyone be “friends” with a frenemy? Well in my experience, frenemies never start out that way.
The first rule in the 48 Laws of Power is “Don’t outshine the master”. I don’t know what this looks like in male friendships but when it comes to SOME women, this is the gospel. It’s all good as long as you are both unhappy. It’s all good as long as you are both overweight. It’s all good as long as you both don’t have a man. It’s all good as long as neither of you gets a raise. The minute one person comes “up” without the other, the transition from friend to frenemy begins. The crazy thing is the come up doesn’t have to be real. It could be completely imagined or exaggerated in the other person’s mind.
Do you have any “friends” that you can call them if something bad happens and they seem almost happy to hear about it? You found out your man was cheating… yep, she has time to talk. You got fired…bam she is right there. Your plan failed….She can talk for hours. It’s good to have support during these times but what about the good times? Why is it that some people can talk to you all night about why all are men are dogs but when you finally find a good man they can’t be bothered to hear about it? Frenemy. Why is it that it’s all good when someone thinks you are beneath them but as soon as you “come up” they start to act differently? Frenemy.
I am happy to say that upon a lot of evaluation and discovery I have a lot less frenemies around than I’ve had in the past. They say people come in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Well the season for my “frenemies” has come and gone.
Webster defines a friend as a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. Whodini’s definition of a friend is a little more grimy.
As I continue through my life, I’m learning that the label of “friend” can sometimes be a loaded word. In my personal world, I would say that there are 3 distinct types of people that may fall under the umbrella of the word friend at any given time. Those are associates, frenemies, and friends. Today I want to talk about Frenemies.
You’re probably asking why would anyone be “friends” with a frenemy? Well in my experience, frenemies never start out that way.
The first rule in the 48 Laws of Power is “Don’t outshine the master”. I don’t know what this looks like in male friendships but when it comes to SOME women, this is the gospel. It’s all good as long as you are both unhappy. It’s all good as long as you are both overweight. It’s all good as long as you both don’t have a man. It’s all good as long as neither of you gets a raise. The minute one person comes “up” without the other, the transition from friend to frenemy begins. The crazy thing is the come up doesn’t have to be real. It could be completely imagined or exaggerated in the other person’s mind.
Do you have any “friends” that you can call them if something bad happens and they seem almost happy to hear about it? You found out your man was cheating… yep, she has time to talk. You got fired…bam she is right there. Your plan failed….She can talk for hours. It’s good to have support during these times but what about the good times? Why is it that some people can talk to you all night about why all are men are dogs but when you finally find a good man they can’t be bothered to hear about it? Frenemy. Why is it that it’s all good when someone thinks you are beneath them but as soon as you “come up” they start to act differently? Frenemy.
I am happy to say that upon a lot of evaluation and discovery I have a lot less frenemies around than I’ve had in the past. They say people come in your life for a reason, season, or lifetime. Well the season for my “frenemies” has come and gone.
9 1/2 Months
I can’t believe it’s been nine months since I last blogged! I promise to do better going into the new year. There’s so much to say but instead of going back over the past nine months I’ll just pick up with where I am now. My adventures as a transplant….
Up Out my Face...Boy!
“The good guys screw you. The bad guys screw you. The rest of them don’t know how to screw you.” — Samantha Jones
Today I was chatting with my friend about my ill-fated romantic life as of late. She told me, “Don’t let a few losers knock you off the love boat.” I responded, “My love boat is more like the Titanic.” I think those might be the realest words I ever spoke. At what point does one sober up, learn their lessons and move on? Maybe love ain’t for everybody. I’m certainly beginning to think that love might not be for me.
I’ve. Tried. Them. All. The good guys. The bad guys. The cute guys. The ugly guys. The short guys. The tall guys. The marathon men. The minute men. I’ve tried all types of formulas in hopes of getting different results but it seems to fail every single time. Date the ones I’m attracted to. Date the opposite of what I’m attracted to. Date the ones that someone else picks for me. Date the ones that NO ONE would pick for me. No, no, no, and no. It’s always the same. They must issue them a handbook at graduation that tells them what to do. Well here’s my advice to the men that might have the misfortune of coming across this blog.
Don’t. Start. What. You. Can’t. Finish. If you don’t have time to call me everyday, then don’t start off calling me everyday. If you don’t have time to return text messages, then make that clear from the jump. Don’t start off one way, switch it up and think that no one will notice. I notice. We ALL notice. Consistency is key and without it, you will fail.
Just. Tell. Me. What. You. Want. Sure that sounds simple enough, but it’s very rare that it happens. Don’t say you want a relationship if you don’t. Don’t pretend to be trying to build something if you’re not. If you just wanna fuck, then JUST SAY THAT. You might be surprised because we might only want that too. If we don’t, then we will let you know so that you can move on to the next without wasting your time or ours.
Most importantly, if you don’t know what you want then STOP DATING until you figure it out.
I.Need.A.Break. Or maybe even a sabbatical.
Today I was chatting with my friend about my ill-fated romantic life as of late. She told me, “Don’t let a few losers knock you off the love boat.” I responded, “My love boat is more like the Titanic.” I think those might be the realest words I ever spoke. At what point does one sober up, learn their lessons and move on? Maybe love ain’t for everybody. I’m certainly beginning to think that love might not be for me.
I’ve. Tried. Them. All. The good guys. The bad guys. The cute guys. The ugly guys. The short guys. The tall guys. The marathon men. The minute men. I’ve tried all types of formulas in hopes of getting different results but it seems to fail every single time. Date the ones I’m attracted to. Date the opposite of what I’m attracted to. Date the ones that someone else picks for me. Date the ones that NO ONE would pick for me. No, no, no, and no. It’s always the same. They must issue them a handbook at graduation that tells them what to do. Well here’s my advice to the men that might have the misfortune of coming across this blog.
Don’t. Start. What. You. Can’t. Finish. If you don’t have time to call me everyday, then don’t start off calling me everyday. If you don’t have time to return text messages, then make that clear from the jump. Don’t start off one way, switch it up and think that no one will notice. I notice. We ALL notice. Consistency is key and without it, you will fail.
Just. Tell. Me. What. You. Want. Sure that sounds simple enough, but it’s very rare that it happens. Don’t say you want a relationship if you don’t. Don’t pretend to be trying to build something if you’re not. If you just wanna fuck, then JUST SAY THAT. You might be surprised because we might only want that too. If we don’t, then we will let you know so that you can move on to the next without wasting your time or ours.
Most importantly, if you don’t know what you want then STOP DATING until you figure it out.
I.Need.A.Break. Or maybe even a sabbatical.
Sticky Fingers
Dealing with co-workers can be….interesting. I have certainly had my share of weird, inappropriate, and overbearing co-workers. The people I work with at my current job have surpassed even the most offensive of my past co-workers. Let's talk about bad co-worker behavior for a moment.
Someone at my job has a problem with stealing… A bonafide kleptomaniac if you will. There have been a rash of petty thefts throughout the office. It started with my favorite personalized mug. The mug had a cartoon likeness of me carrying a Gucci bag just like mine. Underneath the pitcture, it had MY NAME on it. Well someone stole it.
I'm the only (insert my name here) in the office so why someone wants to be flossing around with a mug that has my name & picture on it is beyond me.
Next, one of my co-workers was warming some crab cakes in the toaster oven. She walked away. Came back. The crab cakes were GONE! The whole pan of them.
Lastly, someone broke into my cabinet and stole some of my Thin Mints. Girl Scout cookie rage is real and tangible… Just ask this lady from Florida. I'm not saying that violence is the answer but…I understand.
Initially I thought these thefts were passive-aggressive actions of someone trying to 'get at me' for whatever reason. Now, I'm beginning to think that I simply work in an office filled with people that have no sense of boundaries, tact, or couth. Professionalism in the workplace can go a long way and unfortunately my office is lacking in that. The thing is, I love my boss and most of the other people on my team but there are always certain bad apples that can spoil the bunch.